Deciphering pains

Its been 10 weeks since I had my surgery.

ACL reconstruction, Meniscus tear repair and Meniscus partial removal.

Boy, it feels like a lifetime ago, and yet, the pain lingers.

Its not the same pain, its like you trade in one kind of pain for another.

Initially it was this all out, holy fuck kinda pain.

In the knee, behind the knee, to the side of the knee, on the shin, just frikken everywhere!

But slowly, as the incisions healed, as the meniscus stopped feeling so raw, as the ACL that had been fashioned from a graft from my hamstring tendon began to morph into more of a real ACL…those pains went and whole new pains took their place.

My knee no longer hurts, but the site where they took the graft, the ligament area of my hamstring, that tends to feel pretty sore from time to time.

My hamstrings feel overworked and sore on most evenings.

Now, I know, coz the physio assured me so, that this pain is normal, its what I am going to feel because similar to getting a good ol slap in the face, that area will still smart long after the slap has been done and dusted.

I have asked him whether the hamstring will just snap coz its now held in place by less ligament than before, he assured me that there is no chance in hell that will happen.

So much of the game is a mental one.

Letting go of the fear, the fear of pain, and pressing forward even when you think that maybe you’d be better off sitting this out on a couch.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not in so much pain that its crippling. Far from it. I am not in any kind of pain that needs medication, at all.

Its not coz I have a high pain threshold, its really not insane pain.

But there is this thing about a nagging low level of pain that can be quite annoying over time. Day after day, week after week, to still feel this sense of weakness in a specific area when the rest of you, your mind included, feels so strong…its tough.

Its like waves that wash up on a shore, slowly eroding a coastline.

I gotto be the rock, I gotto be the coastline that doesn’t erode.

Thats what I feel like right now.

I have started boxing.

I would say, “Again” but I never really got into boxing before. Kick boxing, yes, but not white collar boxing.

Oh sure, I did some boxing more as a chance for cardio when I was doing the structural, functional, strength training at JAB, a program I had to cut short because of the damage I did to my meniscus last winter after failed attempts to reignite my love of skiing.

Its been a long hard slog back to some level of comprehensive fitness that I can feel proud of.

Really, a long hard slog.

I went for another DEXA scan not long after my surgery, just so I could see where I was at and what I had to work with…and where I could attempt to be in 3-6 months. I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but basically, I was about the same weight and measurements as I had been back in December. Nearly 9 months later, I had managed to maintain my numbers.

Since that scan I have thrown myself into the 5×5 stronglifts program.

Its one followed by a lot of weightlifting enthusiasts, globally, and its a very simple program that focuses on squats, overhead press, benchpress, rows and deadlifts.

That is all.

Just those handful of exercises, trained alternatively, three days a week, no more.

In the past I would train 3-4, maybe even 5 times in a week, but I was always training out of guilt, like, fuck, I gotto go! So sometimes I would go Monday and Tuesday and then Friday and Saturday…it was effort, but not focused effort.

I like the rigidity of the 5×5 program.

I lift every time, I lift heavy, and I am seeing the gains with my own eyes.

My chest is broader and more defined. I am seeing definition in my shoulders and arms. My legs are leaner and more muscular and even my midsection, which I have worked very little, is slowly leaning out.

All this simply through lifting.

I know the whole saying, “you can’t outrun a bad diet” and well, I ain’t running. I ain’t running anywhere because I don’t want to, but also, because I can’t! Lol. I won’t be approved for moderate jogging until almost 3 weeks from now, basically, for 3 months post op.

Why? Coz of the meniscus damage. Also, the ACL, but mainly the meniscus.

Also, for the first time, I am not weighing myself. I have actually gotten over that need.

Not because of fear, mind you, I do know a lot of people that don’t weigh themselves coz of fear.

And I have always believed its important to “measure” so you know what you are working with and to actually be accountable.

But I am at a place where I actually KNOW I am doing everything I can.

I know I am working hard, I know I am consistent, I know I am doing due diligence when it comes to my training, my sleep, my fluid consumption, my supplements…and now I am also handling the diet with a bit more care and control.

Because I have found it harder and harder to keep eating animals to stay on a low carb, high protein kind of plan, I have chosen the other way, basically cutting out animals and going for all veg and fruit, somehow its harder to gain weight when you are not combining the two. I have known about food combining since way back when I turned 30, and I did follow it for a while, but it got in the way of my meat eating, and lets face it, when you party, drink, eat junk, you kinda don’t care about your health nearly as much.

The real truth is that vegans aren’t healthier because they are plant based, vegans are healthier because they are simply more health conscious. You are less likely to find a heavily boozing vegan or a smoking vegan than you are to find someone who eats shitloads of bacon and drinks a liter of vodka a day.

Its not the vegan diet that makes someone healthier, research has shown it, but eating all that veg and fruit, and probably doing exercise and avoiding junk food, that is what gets someone to a healthier place in their life. I bet a meat eater who didn’t drink or eat processed, would be just as healthy as any vegan, possibly even healthier, coz they may not have certain deficiencies that are common in the diet of a not too clued in vegan.

But you know, people talk about B12 and such, like “You can’t get that except from meat” but if you can get it in a supplement, whats the big fucking deal? Just do that! Or really, any Alpro soy yogurt has B12 in it…as do many smoothies and such, marketed for the veggie loving sucker.

I felt, the first week, that I was weak and kinda in need of carbs, big time! I felt tired, and irritable.

But now I am well into week two, I feel fucking awesome!

I kid you not. I have no more cravings for crap and I am ready to do my legwork, literally, I am squatting my own body weight on the barbell.

My weight has gone up, but my clothes fit me better, so truth be told, I am in a very good place right now.

I don’t wanna be labelled vegan because I know its a whole philosophy behind it, like, almost like being in a cult. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t subscribe to the principles of it. I just…I guess I am just not one for belonging to a cult. I wanna say I am plant based whole foods (thats actually a term, PBWF) but then at this stage I am still open to noodles and pasta, coz, well, they are fucking awesome, and after so many years of trying to bring my weight down by avoiding potatoes, pasta and bread, I could do with a bit of chilling the fuck out and enjoying my carbs!

Still, after last weeks rice, pasta and tortillas fueled joy, this week my goal has been to focus more on plant based and whole foods, so I made a shit tonne of salad and quinoa stuff…which I might end up having to eat for years yet! Its that much of it!

Its all good. Even J is happy to eat vegan most of the time, partly coz its yum but also coz he’s not looking to make my kitchen effort twice as hard. Its a toughie coz my helper has diabetes, so I have to really make the effort to move away from processed carbs, if I am to offer her options like what I eat but to also not create a huge insulin spike in her. J and the helper are still eating eggs and meat along with what I prep, which is totally fine with me, as long as I don’t have to do extra work, I am happy with the status quo.

So I am ready to start with that course over at Cornell University, online. Its about plant based nutrition, I know its gonna be an eye opener and give me some real ideas for how to build a wholesome diet for myself, how to slowly transition the entire family over to plant based and really, how we can decrease our carbon footprint.

Never in my life have I felt more centered than I do now.

I am weight lifting at the gym, I am boxing 3 days a week at JAB, I’m finally vegan, I have another tattoo appointment coming up where I will begin on a Hanya mask on my back, I am gonna get started with that course…and when it comes to work, my website is fully updated, and although I am kinda like a boat with no wind in my sails, I know that will pick up in the pre christmas period. I am not worried about that.

Barely a month to go before I turn 40.

Wow, 40.

Its all kicking off! Lol.

I have my final Doctors appointment to check on the progress on my knee, on the 16th of November. Basically after that, its gonna be no more appointments. I think it will have been exactly 3 months since the surgery by that point.

What else? In a fit of inspired madness I signed up for the November “National Novel Writing Month”. I dunno, I guess it was late at night and it came across my feed, I can’t remember all the details but it is kinda a project on how to get started on the first 50,000 words of a novel or some such.

Ha, I know what you’re thinking, there is me again, juggling way too many plates.

I know I am thinking it!

But I love it.

I love that I have the enthusiasm to do anything at all, and although I wish one of those things was piano playing, I have to say its been a real ride just getting myself to where I am, enjoying my time with my kids as much as I do, having an amazing helper to help run the house without me losing my shit, and having the friends I do.

I think we are all super busy at the moment, or maybe thats just my perception, but I know we still make a lot of effort to spend time together.

I have been studying music theory in my spare moments, just trying to get to a place where I can read music again, I have completely forgotten how to, its like learning an alphabet all over again…so while I do that, I will not be too hard on myself for not playing the beautiful piano we have sitting in our living room. Its mine, I will get to it, if not this week, the next, it will happen.

Well, not much else to report, I have my MRI for my liver coming up soon too…here is me hoping that going vegan, drinking more fluid, being more active, all of these things will have had some effect on some semblance of detox…but if not, I know I will sign up for the cannabis oil treatment when I get back to Holland…throw that in there, hope for the best.

Until next time.

Always.