portion this

You know what has been my biggest challenge when learning how to eat?

Portion control.

Oh sure, I used to joke about that shit, like “Skinny people are skinny coz they don’t fucking eat!”

And for a chunk of time I really believed what I was joking about.

But its not necessarily true.

Sure, we all know those skinny people that we never actually, IRL, see bringing a fork to their mouth, like, ever!

But the reality is that when someone is skinny, they could be skinny fat, or they could be skinny fit, or they could just be plain old genetically (hurrah) skinny. But generally, you won’t see them chowing down on pizza after pizza or crazy burrito bowls with extra guacamole and some churros.

For someone like me, born with a genetic propensity to attain the finest “Daikon-Ashi” (Japanese term for Japanese legs, legs like radishes…not tiny little salad ones, but you know, cankles…calves that kinda melt into ankles!) I used to always say, “I am heavy boned!” *chough*

But reality is, I have always dreamed of “being skinny” I just haven’t been built for being the kind of skinny I dreamed of being.

I will always be this stocky framed short girl, and it used to bother me, maybe almost as much as I feel like my nose is such a prominent feature on my face, like it spreads all the way across a photograph of me and looks like a button mushroom run over by a bus.

We all have our thing. Our thing about ourselves that we dislike or wish we could change, but then we end up sighing and forgetting it until the next time someone takes a picture of us, tags up on FB and we are like, omergerrrrrsh, what, tha, fukk!

Anyway, where was I?

Yes, skinny people don’t eat, not true. Skinny people do eat, they just eat less or eat what they are supposed to be eating for their size/frame.

I have had to cut down what I eat and initially I was like “dooooooooooooooood…..”

But then I got over myself and just sucked it up. I would have more down days (of eating whatever the fuck) than I would have up days, but I kept at it, kept aiming to eat less, and then slowly the number of down days equaled the up days…and at some point the tide turned and the number of up days outnumbered the down.

Thats where I am at this point.

I eat pretty fucking good most of the time, and maybe about 10% of the time, I may go all out and have a bottle of wine, yes, thats what I reserve my down time for! Or I will eat Szechuan food, go for the noodles AND the bottle of wine!

I don’t see Szechuan food as a bad choice, there are plenty of good choices there as long as you skip the carbs…or if you do carbs, stick to the rice, but yeah…its the alcohol that tends to kill any good.

I have, over years and years and years, come to terms with the fact that alcohol really is the enemy. Lol. I used to think, “Man, how would I survive life, or really, more specifically, a SOCIAL life, without alcohol?”

But now that I am almost 40 and my liver has these cysts, and lets just be clear, its not coz of the alcohol! Lol. The doctor said it could have been anything, the liver, like skin that gets moles or pigmentation spots, also gets spots as we age, so not much I can do about it, but you know, I think, its made me think a lot harder about how much I will enjoy that wine and make it count.

Now, by mentioning wine like I miss it, it makes me sound like I drink daily, as I have said before, I don’t. I wouldn’t be able to survive drinking daily, as I mentioned, I drink to get buzzed, not to just chill, so there is no “just one”, what I have is a “just one more!” lol. My whole family is like that…really, so its not a matter of pride, its a matter of fact. I used to feel guilty about it, like, terrible, but now, coz I am not drinking often, I am actually able to drink less (coz I have become a bit weak on the pisshead front) and also because I kinda don’t want to feel shit the next day!

In not so many words – I am getting OLD!

Old, fuddy duddy, boring, responsible, just…gah, its happened to me.

And the deeper truth is…when you actually put a lot of effort into eating less, exercising to try to cut down on whatever calories you are consuming…a bottle of wine starts being seen for what it is…liquid bread. Empty calories, joy completely sucked out of that wonderful ferment!

I used to think, what is the point? Why would someone give up cake? Why would someone give up frozen yogurt? Why would someone give up a good burger and fries? Why would someone give up pizza with amazing toppings? Why would someone give up a fantastic margarita on the rocks?

Well, I never really looked closer to inspect, dude, how often do I eat pizza? Not that often! How often do I eat burgers? Ditto…and the same for cake or margaritas!

When you look at life as “all the things I can NOT do” then it starts to seem like you may want to just quit living altogether! I used to worry more about how I would survive a holiday with my family without a drink (not because they drive me to drink, but because, as a family, we drink socially), but I never thought hard about how we meet up only once or twice a year! I mean, if thats the only time I have to drink and drink to excess when I do, who fucking cares? Right?

It was my mindset of “all or nothing” that made me look at the whole change of lifestyle as a huge negative. I couldn’t see myself hanging out with my friends without having a lot to drink. That isn’t the case anymore. We do a lot of lunches, the tribe, lunches that used to have wine but no longer do. We just all, over time, got healthier with our food choices and wiser with our comprehension of calories.

And no, we didn’t get less fun to hang out with. Imagine that! Lol.

So you want to know what I did while I was in Holland that I never do here? I ate a chocolate chip muffin…I ate a few! Maybe 3 muffins over the course of 3 weeks! All out!

I even ate half a double chocolate brownie.

At the time, I was like, gah, feeling super guilty and then realizing I didn’t really want it to begin with, but then I ate it anyway…

But now that I think about it…that was what I did “danger to diet” wise.

Over 3 weeks…

I would have eaten maybe 2 packs (fairly large) of cassava chips.

Those are totally deep fried, the Indonesian ones.

So in terms of looking back and thinking “boy, I was eating shit all holiday long” its not true. Although I did eat some shit, if I were to put it in a box and look at it in front of me, over the course of 3 weeks, I really didn’t eat much shit!

I ate a LOT of fruit. More than I eat in Hong Kong. And the reason is more to do with good fruit being hard to find in Hong Kong but also, fruit is just sugar, sugar, sugar, and if you are looking to cut down weight, the first thing to let go of is the fruit salad. Easy choice.

But in Holland I was eating tubs of blueberries, gooseberries, pineapple, raspberries…and even some cranberry fruit juice (coz I ended up getting a urinary tract infection…who knows, probably from the sudden influx of so much sugar! Lol) I usually avoid all fruit juice.

I ate bread, occasionally, I don’t eat bread here in Hong Kong…and I enjoyed every bite of it without craving more like I used to when I first visited Holland.

Healthy eating doesn’t happen overnight…it takes time to build the habit. I know, I have lived it. And I have to say, in earnest, the struggle is much less now than it was in the early days of me trying to make those changes.

I used to think I ate healthy, like at least pretty damn ok. But I never thought much about reaching for that second or even third helping of “healthy shit”.

Reality is, avocado is great, in moderation. Grilled chicken is great, if you are eating the right sized portion. Olive oil is good for you, if you are eating a tablespoon worth. Everything and anything can be good or bad for you, its only the portion that makes it less good or more bad.

One glass of alcohol a day is supposed to be good for the heart! One bottle, not so much!

So for a while there I was measuring shit in cups, on scales, tablespoons, teaspoons, and I was shocked, totally fucking shocked to see how much a “portion” was supposed to be and realizing how much I had been out of control with my portions! I had no inkling how much protein was IN something, and how much protein I could actually absorb without taxing my kidneys or whatever.

I say this because I actually KNOW someone who did a very high protein, high fat, low carb lifestyle and her body pretty much got turned upside down, her kidneys were messed up and her hormone levels were fucked. She’s recovering but its not the first time I have heard of this, my trainer was also warning me, you need carbs, blah blah. I eat carbs, I just…I don’t eat bread, I eat pasta or noodles very rarely and generally after a workout session when its considered an ok thing. I am not a huge fan of potatoes…and I have lost all interest in sweet potato coz I went there just a bit too often, when “low carbing” or “slow carbing”…like gah, fuck sweet potato, man!

What people fail to realize is, vegetables have carbs, so eat more veg and you will get fiber and carbs all happy like. And if you eat lentils and beans, you get protein as well…of course, broccoli and spinach have protein and shit, but you know what I mean. My problem is that I like lentils but I am not a huge fan of beans. I am not a huge fan of cooking beans coz they take preparation that I am not fond of, and also, even though I bought a cook book specifically for beans and lentils (like 200 recipes all with beans!) I have yet to cook ONE single recipe from that book because I never made it past the section on how to prep your beans. I was like “What. Tha. Fukk” I am NOT soaking diddly squat for 24 hours or whatever!

Not to mention…I worry I will be farting like a trooper!

I remember one time going completely raw foodie. I was doing only veggies and fruit, straight for 2 months. The first 2 weeks of that I had such horrendous gas it made my eyes water and fearful to leave my house! Like…that stuff could peel the paint off your walls!

Like…death! Holy hell!

That passed (no pun intended) and by the end of a month I no longer had that horrendous gas that first ailed me. So maybe its a matter of coming around to the beans in small doses.

Considering I am pretty good with portion controlling, that should be easy enough, but the other downside of this is I do not know how to cook in smaller portions. I follow a recipe and I do my best to downsize it but I find I am eating the same fucking dish, leftover, for days! And I am loathe to waste food, it makes me mad to throw food away at a time when people are starving and shit. And the problem with grains and lentils and beans is…you may see the dry ingredient and think, “Hmmm, that looks ok” and then when you cook it, you are like, holy shit, I will be eating this volume for weeks!

One cup of something becomes an insane amount…and I am rubbish at cooking for small portions! I really am!

My other problem is not everyone in the house wants to eat health food. Not everyone may want beans! (I am obviously not the only one!) I mean, think of my husband, a pilot, in a closed off cockpit. One deadly bean fueled fart in that space, when you only got you and the co-pilot…you know the other guy will know it was YOU! So yeah, he’s not so keen on us going completely vegan because if we do, it would mean dependence on beans and lentils…a lot of it.

And that bean cook book writer? She did NOT allay my fears about the farts. She pretty much said you kinda get used to it or you fart a bit less, but you will fart nonetheless.

Lentils don’t make me fart. I have found a way to make chickpea flour not make me fart. And you know what the answer is more than how I prepped the damn dishes, the answer lies in the portions!

A smaller portion doesn’t send you over the tipping point!

Simple.

So if I am to dip my toe into the bean pool, I have to learn to eat less of that bean dish and fill the rest of my plate up with tasty veggies.

A big cup of hummus will make you fart, but 2 tablespoons will not!

And reality is, people think hummus is really healthy, but a cup of hummus (which people can plow through while eating a bag of carrot sticks and watching game of thrones) has 400 calories! That is not a small amount. I used to love hummus and I would make it in big fucking bowls. I would plow through that shit like, yay! But now that I know how many calories are in it, I don’t make it anymore, and if I do get it, I buy it on sale and get the small tub, I then eat it as a snack with 6 baby carrots vs an unaccounted number of dips into the bag of baby carrots!

So many things I thought were healthy, I simply don’t touch anymore. Do I miss it? Nope.

Not a whole lot that I do miss.

Like…ribs. I used to think I couldn’t live without it.

But now, I won’t touch it. When I went on this crazy kick of trying to bring my blood sugar levels down, I was on this super low calorie requirement and I was shocked to look up how many calories were in 4 ribs, it was like, noooooooooo.

Animals, man. Animals in general…they just have a lot more calories than vegetables. Its just a fact. Its so easy to eat a lot, to fill up, and to be genuinely satisfied in the gut, without animals.

I would never have thought that to be a reality, but it has become a reality.

My father can’t go even one meal without animal protein. Not one.

We used to be that way when we were kids.

Full on carnivores.

But now…I really do dig more veg and I tend to savor the times I get to eat meat…but the more I think about the impact of farming, the way hens are reared, where we source our eggs, how that milk came to that pot of yogurt…the more I know there is some missing link in what I am admitting to myself.

Its not enough to just portion control my way through some grassfed, organic, practically wild animal, I know there is this segment of meat avoiding society that now turn purely to game, like hunting and killing your own animal and eating the meat is the right way, but the right way, back in the time of hunter-gatherers, was not equipped with a walk in freezer!

Plus…animals being reared in the comfort of farms was for a good thing in terms of safety…less parasites, less disease, or so we hope. The thought of what is in the gut of a wild animal vs what is in the gut of a farmed animal, I mean, think about it! We won’t be getting diseases from a tick on our dog as much as we would get diseases from a tick on a wild deer!

The thought of game does not appeal to me. I always find game…just…fucking “gamey”!

Rabbit, deer, wild boar…alligator…I have tried many of these animals and I can say, have no idea what the appeal is.

And hunting does not appeal to me.

I always say this, like, if there was a zombie apocalypse, I would be the first to die. I would not even survive foraging for fucking berries coz I am so deathly grossed out by bugs and shit…so yeah, dead, right at the dawn of the apocalypse! Killing an animal, gutting it, all that crap, would not be something I could survive.

Its the singular reason I don’t eat much fish.

The other one is because I don’t trust where fish comes from and how it has been fished.

When I learned about drag net fishing, I stopped eating wild caught prawns.

I don’t eat much seafood at home, mostly coz I don’t like the smell, the gutting the prep…the lot. I know, I am weird. I love to eat it, as long as its been prepped by someone else. And isn’t that the whole hypocrisy in being a meat eater who doesn’t hunt?

You don’t want to kill animals but you will eat them as long as they come in a neat package that no longer has the eyeballs staring back at you?

I remember once going fishing when on a holiday in Bali. It wasn’t like I intentionally went there to fish, I think it was just one of the things they did with the tour group. It wasn’t even some fancy rod and line thing, it was a line and hook thing…over the side of a boat.

In the first 10 seconds a fish took the bait on my hook…I was like, what???

I was anxious, someone helped me pull that tiny guy out the water and I was so grossed out, like the hook was stuck through his mouth and into his eye. I was just gagging and so horrified! I had not intended to do this to the poor guy! And then the guide with us just yanked the fish off the hook and straight away cut him up, still alive and shit, into small pieces, and said, “He’s small, we can use this as bait for something bigger”

It all happened in the blink of an eye, with this practiced hand, that I was left, mouth open, like…the fish! What the…..the FISH!!!

When I was a kid, I was walking through the market in Wan Chai and I saw people crowding around so, naturally, you know, I go to the front, elbowing your way, as only kids do. And when I made it to the front of the crowd, I saw that there was a guy with a snake in his hand. He held is close to the head, the snake had its mouth open and two fangs were poking out, all angry like. The man (again, this shit happened in the blink of an eye, or so it felt like) took a pair of pliers out his pocket and then just broke the fangs off, one at a time! Not pulled them out, BROKE them off!

I was like, what the f-ing shit!!!!

I nearly cried because my canines hurt so fucking bad just watching that happen to the poor snake!

But before you could say “Bob’s your uncle” he had a knife, he made a swift cut and he pulled the snakes skin off, like a sock off a foot…just like that, rip! Fucking snake was still alive!!!

I will NEVER forget that.

The kind of cruelty to an animal…cold blooded or not, it just turned my stomach.

I wouldn’t touch anything with snake in it. No turtles. No fucking sharks. I have had soups with sharks fin in it, this being Hong Kong, this being a place where some restaurants still shove that shit in stuff, but I would never ever order it knowingly and I have seen the tragedy of hundreds of fins drying in the sun on a concrete roof. Fucking wrong.

I don’t do zoos…that shit makes me cry. Just…makes me think of what it feels like to have no friends and to be in prison while others point and stare at me.

So what I guess I am coming to terms with is the cognitive dissonance involved in continuing to eat meat or to continue, for me at least, justify eating meat. But the anti-cult, anti-religion part of me is also deathly fearful I don’t become self-righteous and all PETA terrorist on people nearest and dearest to me.

The way I view veganism is like, its almost like a religion! But maybe I have been looking at it wrong, maybe in this understanding of man as a sentient being with free will, its just a choice one makes and there is no reason to view a vegan as being a douchebag any more that it would be ok to view a teetotaler as being a party pooper!

Right?

Not drinking doesn’t make you less fun. It just makes everyone drinking around you…less fun! Lol.

Not eating animals won’t kill me, it doesn’t have to be an issue for my friends either coz we don’t have to share what we eat…and well…how hard is that, right?

Its a change of mindset…its viewing something differently. If I could learn, over the course of the last year, to eat less, eat healthier, exercise more, eat more veg, drink less and in turn I lost 13 kgs…well, I am sure in the next year I could learn to get comfortable with the very real possibility of a life with less animals, less bottles of wine and more of whatever all that adds up to!

Portion control.

For now, I am going to look at all of these things as a work in progress.

I have to find that zen garden in my head where I am not becoming an arsehole about the choices I make, but where I am not being a hypocrite either. The balance, the fine lines in my rock garden, I will have to pave that way for myself and for myself only.

And also, I admit I am this “all or nothing” kind of person. So I guess this whole chewing of the cud, this contemplating about the thought processes, its all part and parcel of me trying to go against the grain and not be that all or nothing person or at least, when I do settle on my final decision, I am doing it for the right reasons and not because I am being bullish about my choice.

FML, this is not going to be easy.

But I will try anyway. 🙂